Posts By Michele Bryan
Texting and Dating
January 17, 2014
Early in my dating, I wrote often about the feelings I was having about my experiences. Having been ‘off the market’ for nearly 20 years had me feeling inept and confused by the things that had changed over that time. Since I enjoy humor more than tears and anger, I wrote which eventually helped me to find my way.
Here are excerpts from a piece I wrote in 2010. Truthfully, my feelings haven’t changed much since then. The prominent position of texting in adult relationships still baffles me even if I do feel more skilled at it. I hope you’ll enjoy and share your feelings and opinions with me!
Texting in dating and relationships is the curse of the 21st century. First the text, then the waiting…the wondering…the rethinking and rereading…the rechecking the time of the text sent and received…the rereading of words looking for meaning. It can become obsessive.
In the beginning, I felt I could not control the wonderings of my mind. It was easy to slip into contemplation of what was being said between the words being typed to me. Where was the vocal inflection and tonal emphasis to clarify the feeling behind the words? There was too much room for innuendo, which fed my overactive imagination. In these moments, I crave clarity and things being wrapped up neatly in packages that can be labeled and alphabetized…and still he texts.
There was no texting when I dated a millennium ago before marriage, as if I needed one more new thing to learn about and explore. It revealed much to me about where we have gone as a culture in our mating dance.
There are times I like texting and thank the universe for it; otherwise, my teenagers might never communicate with me at all. Then there are the times when the text makes me cringe. For example, I hate when things are said that are not really meant or followed through on; such as “I will call you tomorrow” which then does not happen. Does typing not imply the same commitment as the spoken word? Is it more easily forgotten? Not as real?? Call if you say you are going to call.
I want communication that is real; something you can hear, feel, know and believe in. For me texting is best used for disseminating quick pieces of information or making a quick connection. It is not meant to replace verbal communication, shared decision-making, first date requests, or relationship break-ups. To go for days in a romantic relationship with texting being the only communication is so adolescent and a sure sign that I am dating the wrong guy. I want real communication and a real man behind the communication.
With this clarified in my mind, I started asking for what I wanted. When guys start to text about important things and I want to be clear, I ask them to call or suggest we talk in person. You find out a lot about a person when you start asking for what you want and share what is important to you.
Do they hear you and respond to your request?
Do they continue to insist on their way for their own comfort?
Do they share what they would like in an effort to find middle ground?
Ahhh, the dance of the mating game and the steps we take with one another.
As modern and independent as I can be, I am still an old fashioned girl in many ways. Can I tell you how much I love it when a man actually calls to ask me for a date? It eliminates the question “Is a text requested date a real date? Or just a virtual one?”
The main point of this literary rant is to encourage connection and real communication in the world. It concerns me that as technology grows larger, we are growing further apart. Technology threatens our ability to make eye contact, express ourselves in person with confidence and take full accountability for our words. Hiding behind texts cannot get us anywhere except further apart. And when you want to ask that certain someone out, dial their number. I bet they say yes!
Bound Support
January 17, 2014
As a 24 year old, first time mother, I felt very alone and in over my head. Being an only child with no babysitting experience, I felt alone in a darkened wood without a compass. In addition, none of my friends had children yet…except one. My oldest and dearest friend, Laura, thank goodness! She was a friend of 20+ years so truly more like a sister to me.
As a new mother, I wanted to feel less alone and more confident in what I was doing. It was not practical to think I could phone Laura several times a day. I had to find comfort and confidence on my own. From this need, I discovered the joy, wisdom, and comfort of meditation books on parenting. Over the years, there had been a multitude of daily meditation books on my nightstand ready to help me start my days. Yet, somehow, it had never crossed my mind to look for a parenting book to point me in a positive direction.
The first one I found was not a daily meditation book per se, however the entries were short, supportive, insightful and uplifting. The book was The Tao of Motherhood by Vimala McClure. As a spiritual person, by which I mean open to inspiration from any faith, the title caught my eye. I had loved reading The Tao of Pooh in college so what might this have to offer?
This book touched and comforted my heart on many days as I found my way in this new role I had chosen. Here is a taste of what you will find:
“A wise mother does not necessarily interfere with her child’s life.
Your children have their own processes – their own thoughts, feelings, and reactions – which must be allowed to unfold.
If your childhood was painful, you may get overinvolved with your children’s lives and smother them. Or you may find yourself forcing them to think and feel the way you do, to adopt all your values and live the life you wish you had.
If you do not trust your children’s process, your children cannot trust anyone or anything. Your confidence in them builds their confidence in themselves.
Assist your children in such a way that they think, “We did it ourselves!”
~excerpt from “The Tao of Motherhood” by Vimala McClure
(These words spoke deeply to me when I had toddlers and even more now that my daughters are young adults. The role of mother never ends, I am learning, and does not get easier… fyi… just different.)
I believe every parent feels alone and overwhelmed at one time of another, some of us more often than others. To find support and connection in the words of another is a simple exercise anyone can do. For me, it’s just another way as assembling ‘the village’ I need to be the best mother I can be for my children.
Balanced Living
January 10, 2014
“Everything is energy & that’s all there is to it. Match the frequency of the reality you want & you cannot help but get that reality. It can be no other way. This is not philosophy. This is physics.”
-Albert Einstein
Don’t try to leap over yourself. Just accept what is and be with it, really be with it, because when you do that you are being in the moment, in the truth. You are being present as you live your life. In the end, is there anything else?
~Wise Woman (Sue Monk Kidd)
Image credit:
uni-frankfurt.du
These are a couple of quotes I’ve collected over the years. (Quote collecting is an accidental hobby of mine.) These speak to the challenge of being happy in the here and now while also knowing we are always growing and creating newness in our lives and ourselves.
Einstein’s quote was particularly fascinating to me when I found it. Here is a scientist speaking to the ability to manifest our heart’s desires. This goes beyond metaphysical woo-woo and grounds it firmly in the truth science gives us. It reminds me that I am a powerful creator in my ability to bring good things into my life.
The quote from Sue Monk Kidd reminds me to be happy in the here and now. Life is not about a constant struggle to change ourselves and manifest more. Change can come slowly. Healing and growth come slowly. So best to be happy in the here and now, not missing a moment, until whatever is coming arrives.
Balancing intentional, creative living and true peace of the heart is a challenging adventure for me. Loving my ability to grow, push limits, and evolve can become so intoxicating that I get a little obsessed at times. It is good to remember that I can slow down, open to grace, and be happy just as I am in the life that I have in this moment. As we go into the New Year, with all our hopes and dreams for what it will bring, these words are important reminders of the balanced place we can live from everyday.
Parenting with an Open Heart – January 10, 2014
On Children
~Kahlil Gibran~
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
Credit to Susie Keeth
These words have always inspired me in my parenting. They remind me to love with an open palm and heart, enjoying the privilege of watching my children grow into their own lives. It is a fine line between guiding and teaching them while giving them space to be who they are in this life.
When they arrived, it was my job to protect and care for them completely. Within a short time, my process of gradually detaching began and continues to this very day. To catch and stop myself from imposing my own agendas and ideals on them is part of my growth. This has always required courage on my part and has become more challenging, as they get older and more independent. When I do, it is with pride that I get to experience them for the incredible beings they truly are and are growing into. This is just one of the many blessings of parenting.
Reflections on my Daughters
January 3, 2014
This blog is dedicated to my girls who had hallmark birthdays in 2013. They are now 18 and 21! And yes, I am in shock…could I really be that much older?? Someone asked me this week why I kept referring to them as “my 21 year old” or “my 18 year old”. My response… “You don’t have children, do you?”
These girls of mine are remarkable young women. I am proud to say that not only do I love them with all my heart, I truly like them and enjoy their company; a rich blessing indeed. When they choose to share their lives with me including very personal things, my heart is deeply touched. Their trust in me is an honor beyond words.
This is not to say that we haven’t had our shares of ups and downs over the years. We’ve been thick as thieves, were estranged for a time early in my divorce, have argued toe-to-toe, laughed and cried together. Our relationship is well earned. They are amazing women whom I admire very much.
They’ve scared me many times (a gross understatement). Parenting tweens and teens will test everything you’ve got, in my experience. Watching them try different personas and approaches to life until they found their own truth has been terrifying at times. I like to think that my love of them, allowance of their exploration (with boundaries and consequences, of course), and unwavering presence supported them in becoming the beautiful young women they are today. Not to mention the multitude of angels combined with their own inner strength and wisdom which safely brought them round.
As the New Year begins, it is customary for me to reflect on the past and count my blessings, including my daughters. This piece is also intended to encourage parents who might be in the thick of it with their own children at this very moment.
Keep faith and a strong heart.
Believe in them and yourself.
Lift them up with your heart and mind whenever you are inclined to worry.
And do not ever give up and think it is too late. It is never too late for love to make a difference in the lives of our children.
A Feminine Alternative to Resolutions
January 3, 2014
2013 wrapped up nicely for me despite a year-end funk that really threatened to pull me down. Part of what helped turn things around was the time I spent reflecting on 2013 and looking ahead to the New Year. The miracles and blessings of 2013 were a wonderful reminder to me that all is well and encouraged me to look ahead to 2014 with hope and optimism.
Quite fortuitously, an inspiring email landed in my ‘in box’ right around this time. It was from Christine Hassler, a life coach, speaker and author, whose emails I’ve enjoyed throughout the year. Her message was not to make resolutions since that implies we need to do “more, better, different”. Since a self-improvement tactic is the exact opposite of how I am choosing to live the coming year (Peace and Grace in the New Year), I read on. Instead of resolving to change ourself, she encourages setting intentions and creative possibilities that come from our heart. This girl was talking to me!
Following her guidance and suggestions, I was surprised at some of the things I felt inside. There were dreams that I had not considered in a long time and remembering them brought them to the surface of my awareness fresh for my indulgence. It is easy to imagine that some or all have the potential to come true. Just knowing the dreams of my heart is the first step to making them a reality.
The New Year is already underway and it is not too late to take advantage of this energy to set intentions for 2014. New Year’s did arrive on a new moon meaning the energy for new beginnings is still available for the dreams of your heart. If this approach speaks to you, I highly encourage you to check out Christine’s blog post. Her words and wisdom helped me to fulfill the ideas I had for how I wanted to bring in the New Year. And it banished the funky mood that threatened to bring me down. A win-win to start my year with a positive bang!
Creating a Sabbath
December 27, 2013
The end of another year has arrived. Difficult to believe and yet it is here! This may be a time when you are considering the year ahead and changes you want to make for your self and home. If so, I have one for you to consider that has the potential to bring your family closer and gift you with greater peace
My suggestion is to make one day of each week a Sabbath, meaning a day of rest for you and your family. I’m not talking about ‘getting religion’. I’m suggesting a day of rest, or at least less ‘doing’ that benefits everyone in your family. The definition of Sabbath is “a day of religious observance and abstinence from work.” I wasn’t sure about the religious part so I looked that up and found a gem, “a pursuit or interest to which someone ascribes supreme importance.” Perfect!
By choosing one day a week where you do very little, or only what you truly want to do, you model the ‘supreme importance’ of slowing down, connecting with self and family. These can be days that create connection within your home that renews everyone for the coming week. Similar to an earlier blog I wrote about building connection by dining together, having one full day a week in your home can build the foundation of your family that empowers everyone to go back out into the world fortified and centered.
I’ve never been one to think that going to church was supremely important for God. It is hard to imagine Him/Her getting mad at me for not coming to a specific building once a week. It is my belief that Sabbath was proposed so we would slow down, connect with ourselves and our inner connection to the Divine, which defines, uplifts, guides and supports us. Going to church offers a way to connect and reflect as well. With this in mind, the old tradition of literally doing nothing on Sundays makes sense.
How you create a Sabbath is an individual choice; there is no right or wrong way to do it. It may have nothing to do with the Divine, or it may. When I started this with my daughters, it was as simple as me not driving anywhere that day. No play dates were scheduled, no errands were run, and nobody went anywhere. This kept us home for the day. There were Sundays I gardened and bored children would come and sit with me. Beautiful and meaningful conversations transpired. Some days I organized recipes and planned meals for the coming week. On others I truly rested and just read a book with a nap in the afternoon.
The point is to be home, around family, and available to be with one another. When children were little, it was easier to plan family games, cooking together, and other fun activities for our Sabbath. As teenagers and reluctant to be told what to do, it was enough that we were all in the house. Eventually, we would connect over the day without me forcing an agenda. It fed us all deeply.
If you had one full day a week to do as you pleased in a restful state of mind, what would that look like?
If you already take one day a week to be home as a family, what do those days entail?
Share your thoughts and ideas so we may all be inspired to deeper connections in the New Year!
Peace and Grace in the New Year
December 27, 2013
“Stress is an acceptable form of mental illness in our society.”
~Richard Carlson
Another year come and gone. It seems time is gaining momentum. At a time in my life when I want to slow down and savor life more, it dashes off down the road with me chasing after it. There is so much I want to do with my life and yet the faster I go, the less I feel and truly experience.
Looking ahead to 2014, I’ve decided to do less so I can enjoy more. While there are goals of accomplishment I am setting this year, I am including some that appear to be the opposite of accomplishment. One is to make time to pause, reflect, and connect to life more. This will create space for more Grace in my life. (No…not a person named Grace…silly. Grace, meaning a divinely given blessing. ) If I’m busy being super cowgirl, handling everything and planning every minute, day, week of my life, where’s the room for Divine intervention and blessing?
My ‘to-do’ list is as long as anyone’s. It is easy to get caught up in rushing through it imagining that peace lies just beyond the completion of the list. Truth is, my list is like laundry…it will never be done. Putting off slowing down and experiencing my life until …… is an illusion. Balance between ‘doing’ and ‘being’ is the key.
Image credit: blue67 / 123RF Stock Photo
Our society has normalized stress and overly full days. It seems most of us tend to accept that this is life and I do not agree. I choose to balance my ability to do with a slower energy that allows me to receive. Receive what, you may be wondering? Receive wisdom from my intuition, help from others, and inner restoration that comes from enjoying the life I’ve created. Taking time to pause and appreciate what has been accomplished, and resting in the moment is a rich blessing.
When I do not slow down and enjoy the life I’ve created, I experience stress. Clearly, this is something I have control over. Choosing a slower pace is a change that will bring more peace and freedom to my life. Christine Arylo’s blog offers a wonderful guide for reducing stress, which I highly recommend. It was her use of Richard Carlson’s quote (author of Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff) that brought it to my attention.
Arylo’s steps are helping me to fulfill this commitment to myself for the New Year. The steps she outlines assure I bring this energy of peace and presence into my life. The habit of go, go, go and do, do, do is often firmly entrenched in my days. And as I’ve mentioned, it as affirmed by the society in which I live. This does not make it a good idea. My heart holds the truth. I am listening to my heart. I am changing my pace. Will you join me?
How will you unplug from the machine and create a life of peace and freedom?
What other changes will you seek to make in the New Year?
What dreams do you hold in your heart that you will make real?
I hope to hear from you and wish you a reflective and uplifting New Year!
Holidays Single Style
December 20, 2013
Tis’ the season and I find myself without a romantic relationship. This must be a sign I am getting stronger since miraculously every holiday since my separation a man has been in my life to one degree or another. Two of them even were around just for the months of December and January. I now kindly refer to them as my Christmas presents. This must be a sign that I’ve grown, healed and am ready to go it alone! So why does a part of me say “this really sucks”.
The holiday commercials with all the lovers and happy married people make me want to gag. Seriously? Even when I was married and very much in love with my husband, those moments were rare. I see through the illusion and still it emphasizes my single-ness and irks me. Have you seen the “They’ve never been to Paris” commercial? (Throwing up in my mouth a little…) Thank Goddess I don’t watch TV very much. And yet they bombard me when I’m just trying to watch a little football! Geez! Can’t a girl just get her weekly dose of athletic violence with having her heart ripped out??
Of course, I exaggerate. It’s really not that bad and I am well aware and conscious of people in the world who are truly suffering. People who are far lonelier and have suffered much greater losses. And honestly, it nips at my heart…sometimes more than others. That’s just the truth.
So rather than count down the days till normalcy – aka Jan 2 – I’ve devised a primer of suggestion for singles to survive the holidays with fun and style. Even though I wrote these with ladies in mind, most are actually good for anyone out there. Read, enjoy, and share if you know someone who is feeling a little lonely and needs a lift to their holiday spirits!
To Make the Most of Your Single Holidays:
1. Go to every party you can and dance… whether others are dancing or not. “No” is an unacceptable answer to holiday invites. Get your boogie on!
2. Get manicures, pedicures and massages…touch is important when you’re feeling alone.
3. Make full use of mistletoe every chance you get. Kissing isn’t a crime and won’t give you a terminal illness.
4. Act as if…plan a romantic evening home alone with yourself. Holiday movie of choice, nice bottle of wine, roaring fire or cozy blanket with a decadent treat to eat. Have a date with your self!
5. Invite friends to join you for fun evenings out and tree/home decorating…no need to do it all alone.
6. Look for volunteer opportunities as wonderful ways to get out of your self AND meet new people…aka – potential date material. At least you’ll know they have a heart!
7. Make cynical comments whenever you want to. Better out than in with those negative feelings. Set them free on the ears of someone who will laugh with you.
8. Dress to the hilt every time you go out the door. Do it for yourself and to be ready in case a potential New Years date appears out of nowhere.
9. Make a plan for New Years. Don’t just wait for a good date to appear. Decide on something you really want to do and will look forward to whether with friends or on your own. Bonfire anyone??
10. Count your blessings. Being alone at the holidays is not the worst thing in the world. It just ‘kind of’ sucks. So think more about everything in your life that doesn’t.
11. Consider shaving something on your body in the shape of a candy cane (stripes and all) or a holly leaf. For men the possibilities are endless. Ladies, I think you know where I’m going with this.
12. Buy your self a romantic Christmas present. A new beautiful negligee or expensive lacy underwear? A coveted perfume? Go get it girl!
13. Enjoy your self no matter what. If your heart starts to feel hollow and sad, give it a minute, be kind to your self and then push on! Nobody wants a droopy face sourpuss at their holiday soiree. And that is not an excuse to not go either. Love your self, get out there, and make your holiday great!
Mommy, Is There a Santa Claus?
December 20, 2013
This is the question no parent wants to hear. Probably second only to “Where do babies come from?” The magic of childhood, which includes the magic of Christmas, can be over way too soon. As parent, I wanted to preserve my girls’ childhood for as long as possible knowing they had forever to be adults.
I know parents who took the approach of ‘not wanting to lie to their children’ or believing ‘they are very mature for their age and need to know the truth’. It is not my style to critique others’ parenting preferences. I just happened to have a different perspective and plan for raising my girls.
If you are a parent who has perpetuated the magic of Santa and Christmas for as long as possible, you may wonder when and how will it end. “What will I say when they ask me? I don’t want to lie to them. I don’t want them to think I’ve lied all these years. What will I do???” (Cue ‘deer in headlights’ expression) While I cannot predict when the time will come and what is best for you and your children, I can share how it went down in my home.
When they were young, we went full in. Cookies left out for Santa and bags of reindeer food; letters written to Santa and visits to see him (or maybe one of his helpers); and even our tradition of Santa Mouse. (Check the book out here if you’re curious) As they approached school age, I could see my oldest begin to wonder a bit. She would ask questions designed to figure out Santa’s logistics with her newfound intelligence and discerning mind. My reply was always, “What do you think?” She delighted in exploring all the possible ideas and solutions to the questions she had posed. I smiled, listened, and nodded.
There were times, I admit, I resorted to guerilla tactics such as, “If you don’t believe, he might not come! And you don’t want to test that do you??” This may have been evilness with a sacred purpose. Nothing would thwart my preservation of childhood.
At some point, it became clear their doubts were mounting. My pivotal moment came with the question “Mommy do you REALLY believe in Santa Claus?” Whew! I felt like I had dodged a bullet because to this question I could honestly say yes. As the conversation continued, I sensed an opportunity to introduce a new perspective.
It was beautiful to be able to honestly say to my girls that I do believe. I shared with them that the magic of Christmas I had felt as a little girl had evolved over time and never gone away. My understanding of Santa and Christmas magic had grown and changed, and yet I still believed.
I believe in the magic of the season, the gift of love and return of light that has been celebrated for thousands and thousands of years. There are miracles that I still see and experience without fail every single year. I also told them it was important to believe with all their heart, every year without fail, so they could stay open to the magic that would touch their hearts forever. And if they continued to keep the magic of Christmas alive in their hearts, Santa would no doubt keep coming to our house.
There were no more questions after that. They seemed satisfied and happy to continue to believe. It was a blessing for my heart to see my children easily transition into an evolved understanding of Santa and the magic of Christmas. This was just one of many perspectives on the world that I hoped they would inherit. In my heart, I never lied to them at all. We all believe and Santa still comes to our house every year…he just brings a little less.
Thank God! He lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.
~Unsigned editorial in response to the letter from eight year-old Virginia O’Hanlon, published September 21,1897.
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